I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. It's important to remember that making mistakes is a part of being human, and everyone has made their fair share of them. It doesn't necessarily make you a horrible person. Recognizing that you've treated your friend badly and feeling guilty about it is a sign that you have a conscience and care about the impact of your actions.
What's crucial now is how you choose to address and learn from your mistakes. Here are some steps you can take to try and repair the friendship and grow from this experience:
Take responsibility: Acknowledge your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions. Avoid making excuses or blaming others. Admitting your wrongdoings is the first step towards making amends.
Apologize sincerely: Reach out to your friend and apologize sincerely for your behavior. Be honest about how you feel and the actions you regret. Avoid justifying or minimizing your actions in the apology.
Listen and understand: Give your friend the opportunity to express their feelings and perspective. Listen actively and try to understand how your actions have affected them. Be patient and allow them the time they need to process their emotions.
Reflect on your behavior: Take some time to reflect on why you treated your friend badly. Identify any underlying issues or triggers that may have contributed to your actions. Self-awareness is essential for personal growth.
Make amends: If there are specific things you can do to make amends, do so. However, be mindful not to pressure your friend into forgiving you or expecting instant reconciliation. Healing takes time.
Learn from the experience: Use this situation as an opportunity for personal growth. Commit to making positive changes in your behavior and addressing any issues that may have contributed to your actions.
Seek professional help if needed: If you find it difficult to control your behavior or emotions, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can help you work through any deeper issues that may be affecting your relationships.
Remember, everyone makes mistakes, but it's how we choose to respond and learn from them that defines our character. Treat this experience as a chance to grow and become a better version of yourself. It may take time, but with genuine effort and reflection, you can mend the friendship and improve your future relationships.