It's understandable that you are experiencing a range of emotions given your history with your mother. Dealing with an active alcoholic parent can be extremely challenging, and it's okay to feel conflicted and guilty about the situation.
Here are some steps you might consider:
Seek Support: It's crucial to talk to someone about what you're going through. Reach out to friends, other family members, or a mental health professional who can offer support and understanding.
Consider Your Boundaries: Assess your emotional capacity and establish boundaries for yourself. Determine what level of involvement, if any, you are comfortable with in relation to your mother's situation.
Talk to a Professional: A therapist or counselor can help you navigate your feelings of guilt and provide guidance on how to handle this difficult situation.
Family Mediation: If it's possible and appropriate, consider engaging a family mediator or counselor to facilitate a conversation between you and your mother. This might provide an opportunity to express your feelings and potentially find some resolution.
Accept Your Feelings: Understand that it's natural to feel a mix of emotions when dealing with a complex family issue. Give yourself permission to experience and process these feelings without judgment.
Forgiveness and Closure: If you feel ready, you could consider writing a letter to your mother expressing your feelings, thoughts, and experiences. This can be a way to find closure and forgiveness, even if you choose not to deliver the letter.
Lean on Supportive Relationships: Surround yourself with positive, supportive individuals who can help you during this difficult time.
Let Go of Responsibility: Remember that you cannot control your mother's choices or behavior. It is not your responsibility to fix her or her addiction.
Consider the Bigger Picture: Reflect on what you need for your own well-being and focus on your future growth and healing.
Accepting Reality: While it's challenging, it's essential to come to terms with the reality of your mother's situation. Sometimes people have to face the consequences of their actions.
Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to reach out to your mother is deeply personal and dependent on the specifics of your situation. You should prioritize your own mental and emotional well-being while finding a path that brings you peace and closure. Remember that professional guidance can be invaluable in navigating such complex emotions and relationships.