It's important to note that each individual's experience with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can vary, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. However, I can provide some general insights into the potential reasons why a person with BPD might have conflicting feelings about being alone despite loving their significant other deeply.
Fear of Abandonment: People with BPD often have an intense fear of abandonment, which can lead to contradictory behaviors. They may crave love and intimacy but also fear being abandoned or rejected. As a result, they might push their significant other away or seek solitude as a way to protect themselves from potential pain if the relationship were to end.
Emotional Intensity: BPD is characterized by emotional dysregulation, which means individuals may experience emotions more intensely than others. The overwhelming emotions can be difficult to handle, and sometimes, being alone can provide a temporary respite from the emotional turmoil they experience in close relationships.
Self-Worth and Identity Issues: BPD can involve a shaky sense of self and self-worth. The person may feel unworthy of love and affection or fear that they are not good enough for their partner. This negative self-perception can lead them to isolate themselves as a form of self-preservation or to avoid disappointing their partner.
Idealization and Devaluation: Individuals with BPD might struggle with a pattern of idealizing their significant other, seeing them as perfect and the source of their happiness. However, this idealization can quickly shift to devaluation, where they may perceive their partner as all bad or a threat. During the devaluation phase, they might push their loved one away to protect themselves from perceived harm.
Emotional Exhaustion: Maintaining relationships can be emotionally draining for someone with BPD due to their heightened emotional sensitivity. Over time, they might feel overwhelmed by the emotional demands of the relationship and seek solitude to recharge or cope with their emotions.
Past Trauma: Many individuals with BPD have experienced traumatic events or invalidating environments in their past, which can shape their behavior and coping mechanisms. Seeking solitude might be a way for them to feel safe and avoid potential triggers related to their trauma.
It's important to remember that BPD is a complex and nuanced condition, and a variety of factors can influence an individual's behavior. If you or someone you know is struggling with BPD or mental health issues, seeking professional help from a mental health provider experienced in treating BPD can be beneficial. Therapy, such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), can be particularly effective in helping individuals with BPD develop healthier coping strategies and improve their relationships.