It's not uncommon for survivors of abusive relationships, especially those involving narcissistic partners, to experience conflicting emotions and desires, even after the relationship has ended. This can be a complex and challenging process to navigate. Here are some reasons why you might feel this way:
Trauma Bonding: Abusive relationships can create a unique and powerful bond, often referred to as "trauma bonding." The intermittent reinforcement of affection and abuse can create an addictive cycle, making it difficult to break free from the connection, despite the harm caused.
Familiarity and Comfort: Humans tend to seek familiarity and comfort, even in negative situations. After spending significant time with someone, even if they were abusive, it can become a kind of twisted "comfort zone" for some survivors.
Low Self-Esteem: Narcissistic abusers often employ tactics to erode the self-esteem and self-worth of their victims. This can lead the survivor to doubt their own judgment and believe they deserve the mistreatment.
Hope for Change: Some survivors may believe that if they go back or maintain contact, the abuser might change and treat them better. They might cling to the moments of kindness or affection, hoping those will become the norm.
Isolation: Narcissistic abusers often isolate their victims from friends and family, making it harder for them to find support outside the relationship. Feeling isolated can increase the desire to reconnect with the abuser, as they may be one of the few people the survivor interacts with.
Fear: Leaving an abusive relationship can be terrifying, especially when the abuser has threatened consequences for doing so. Fear of retaliation or feeling unsafe can make it difficult to cut off all contact.
Cognitive Dissonance: Survivors might experience cognitive dissonance, a mental conflict arising from holding contradictory beliefs or feelings. They may simultaneously recognize the abuse as harmful but also feel attached to the abuser.
It's essential to remember that these feelings are entirely normal in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. However, it's crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being. Consider seeking professional support, such as counseling or therapy, to help you process your emotions, build resilience, and work towards healing.
If you find yourself in this situation, try to reach out to friends, family, or support groups who can offer understanding and encouragement. Healing from the effects of an abusive relationship takes time, but with the right support and self-compassion, you can move towards a healthier and happier future.